we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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