I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
