Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
