Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
