I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
