Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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