i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
