When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
