Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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