Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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