I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
