sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
