So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
