I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I could make wine with my vomit
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
