How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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