I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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