He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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