I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
