"it" just moved
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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