if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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