she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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