how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
