so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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