I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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