My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
