he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
