My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
