I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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