I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize