NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
