it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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