it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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