So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
