Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize