Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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