and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
