Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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