Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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