Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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