I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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