I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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