this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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