Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
