guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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