It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
