I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i think im in europe. pls send help
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
