Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have aggressive nipples.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
