Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
