Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
