theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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