What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
