Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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