Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize