I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
