Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
