i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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