Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
