I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
