why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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